Pathways

Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I had chosen another path. Days like today, I feel like there are 96 different directions my life could have taken or could take from today on.


Thinking this way makes me feel so lost. I know there's not one right path for my life or anyone else's. I know that we make choices based on the information available to us and what we think is the best decision to make at that time.


But I start wondering if I'd be happier or more fulfilled doing something else, living somewhere else, being in relationship with someone else. I truly don't think that wondering these things is a sign that I am unhappy with the way things are right now. I think it is a sign that I am indecisive. I want to experience all I can in life, but there are so many things to chose from that I don't make a decision and just keep plodding along. But sometimes I think wondering all this stuff leads to being stuck in one place and not doing or being things things I want to do and be.


And so, for some reason I write about it, which continues a cycle of wasting time that I could use doing or experiencing something else, meeting someone new, developing a new relationship or deepening a current relationship. I get stuck. Maybe because I'm just bored. Maybe because I'm not feeling "good" about myself. Maybe because I can't see what I have to offer others. It kinda sucks.


So I'm going to stop writing about it and wallowing like this and go sit at the nurses' station and talk to my nurses.