Top Ten List: Things you should NEVER say to people who are grieving

Top Ten things you should NEVER say to people who are grieving a loss (whether death, or any other significant loss.)

10. "Time heals all wounds." {Yes, it is true, but it is NOT what one wants to hear when they are grieving. And you never completely heal from a significant loss.}

9. (In the case of pets, babies, husbands, wives, sons, daughters...) "You can always have another one." OR "You will find someone else to love in time."

8. "Are you okay?" {NO I'M NOT OKAY.}

7. "It's okay." {We usually say this while hugging someone as in "oooooh, it's okay." While we are trying to soothe and comfort the grieving this is another, NO IT'S NOT OKAY.}

6. "I'm sorry." {Great intentions, but after one hears it a thousand times it gets annoying. Plus "I'm sorry" is an apology. It's not your fault, so why are you apologizing?}

5. "What happened?" {Usually said in combo with "Oooooh I'm so sorry. What happened?" Does it really matter what happened? If the grieving want to tell you, they will. Rehashing the story to each friend/family member/loved one/caring person they see is very painful.}

4. "What can I do for you?" "How can I help?" {See below suggestions to use instead of these. The grieving are too busy grieving to give you a "to do" list or to even know what they need at that time.}

3. "He/She is in a better place." {Again, that may be true, but that's your perspective based on your faith, not necessarily the grieving person's perspective or belief. Plus, the grieving person doesn't want him/her to be in a better place, she wants him/her back here with them.}

2. "God needed another angel." {What a crappy image of God- a God who deliberately takes our loved ones from us and leaves us feeling like crap?}

and the #1 thing you should NEVER say to a person who is grieving is....

"I know exactly how you feel." {If I lost my father and you just lost your father one week ago, you STILL DO NOT know how I feel. You are not me, I am not you. Our fathers are not the same person. Every experience is perceived and experienced differently by each person. Your experience of even the exact same event, is not exactly the same as anyone elses.}

Ok, no one's perfect... we've all said these things... I say "I'm sorry." all the time, but I try to say "I'm sorry for your loss." We say these things to people who are grieving because we don't know what else to say. So, here are some suggestions:

"There are no words."

"I love you and I'm here."

"When can I come over and ____________." Fill in the blank with "cut your lawn," "walk your dog," "do the dishes," "go grocery shopping for you," "take the kids out for some ice cream so you can have some time to yourself," etc. And then DO IT. Don't be pushy, but be persistent in offering.

"When can I come over and ___________." Fill in the blank with "visit," "have coffee," "bring you dinner," etc. Do these with the intention to just BE. Be present in their sadness, anger, frustration, sorrow. You don't have to talk or say just the "right" thing to make them feel better.

When appropriate, share a memory of the person/pet.

And always, be real. If you don't know what to say, just hug. Sometimes all a grieving person needs is a shoulder, a loving touch, or a caring face. And sometimes they need a little bit of peace and quiet too, so don't be afraid to just be there and not say a word.

Other suggestions, thoughts? Please comment.