Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I had chosen another path. Days like today, I feel like there are 96 different directions my life could have taken or could take from today on.
Thinking this way makes me feel so lost. I know there's not one right path for my life or anyone else's. I know that we make choices based on the information available to us and what we think is the best decision to make at that time.
But I start wondering if I'd be happier or more fulfilled doing something else, living somewhere else, being in relationship with someone else. I truly don't think that wondering these things is a sign that I am unhappy with the way things are right now. I think it is a sign that I am indecisive. I want to experience all I can in life, but there are so many things to chose from that I don't make a decision and just keep plodding along. But sometimes I think wondering all this stuff leads to being stuck in one place and not doing or being things things I want to do and be.
And so, for some reason I write about it, which continues a cycle of wasting time that I could use doing or experiencing something else, meeting someone new, developing a new relationship or deepening a current relationship. I get stuck. Maybe because I'm just bored. Maybe because I'm not feeling "good" about myself. Maybe because I can't see what I have to offer others. It kinda sucks.
So I'm going to stop writing about it and wallowing like this and go sit at the nurses' station and talk to my nurses.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
Top Ten List: Things you should NEVER say to people who are grieving
Top Ten things you should NEVER say to people who are grieving a loss (whether death, or any other significant loss.)
10. "Time heals all wounds." {Yes, it is true, but it is NOT what one wants to hear when they are grieving. And you never completely heal from a significant loss.}
9. (In the case of pets, babies, husbands, wives, sons, daughters...) "You can always have another one." OR "You will find someone else to love in time."
8. "Are you okay?" {NO I'M NOT OKAY.}
7. "It's okay." {We usually say this while hugging someone as in "oooooh, it's okay." While we are trying to soothe and comfort the grieving this is another, NO IT'S NOT OKAY.}
6. "I'm sorry." {Great intentions, but after one hears it a thousand times it gets annoying. Plus "I'm sorry" is an apology. It's not your fault, so why are you apologizing?}
5. "What happened?" {Usually said in combo with "Oooooh I'm so sorry. What happened?" Does it really matter what happened? If the grieving want to tell you, they will. Rehashing the story to each friend/family member/loved one/caring person they see is very painful.}
4. "What can I do for you?" "How can I help?" {See below suggestions to use instead of these. The grieving are too busy grieving to give you a "to do" list or to even know what they need at that time.}
3. "He/She is in a better place." {Again, that may be true, but that's your perspective based on your faith, not necessarily the grieving person's perspective or belief. Plus, the grieving person doesn't want him/her to be in a better place, she wants him/her back here with them.}
2. "God needed another angel." {What a crappy image of God- a God who deliberately takes our loved ones from us and leaves us feeling like crap?}
and the #1 thing you should NEVER say to a person who is grieving is....
"I know exactly how you feel." {If I lost my father and you just lost your father one week ago, you STILL DO NOT know how I feel. You are not me, I am not you. Our fathers are not the same person. Every experience is perceived and experienced differently by each person. Your experience of even the exact same event, is not exactly the same as anyone elses.}
Ok, no one's perfect... we've all said these things... I say "I'm sorry." all the time, but I try to say "I'm sorry for your loss." We say these things to people who are grieving because we don't know what else to say. So, here are some suggestions:
"There are no words."
"I love you and I'm here."
"When can I come over and ____________." Fill in the blank with "cut your lawn," "walk your dog," "do the dishes," "go grocery shopping for you," "take the kids out for some ice cream so you can have some time to yourself," etc. And then DO IT. Don't be pushy, but be persistent in offering.
"When can I come over and ___________." Fill in the blank with "visit," "have coffee," "bring you dinner," etc. Do these with the intention to just BE. Be present in their sadness, anger, frustration, sorrow. You don't have to talk or say just the "right" thing to make them feel better.
When appropriate, share a memory of the person/pet.
And always, be real. If you don't know what to say, just hug. Sometimes all a grieving person needs is a shoulder, a loving touch, or a caring face. And sometimes they need a little bit of peace and quiet too, so don't be afraid to just be there and not say a word.
Other suggestions, thoughts? Please comment.
10. "Time heals all wounds." {Yes, it is true, but it is NOT what one wants to hear when they are grieving. And you never completely heal from a significant loss.}
9. (In the case of pets, babies, husbands, wives, sons, daughters...) "You can always have another one." OR "You will find someone else to love in time."
8. "Are you okay?" {NO I'M NOT OKAY.}
7. "It's okay." {We usually say this while hugging someone as in "oooooh, it's okay." While we are trying to soothe and comfort the grieving this is another, NO IT'S NOT OKAY.}
6. "I'm sorry." {Great intentions, but after one hears it a thousand times it gets annoying. Plus "I'm sorry" is an apology. It's not your fault, so why are you apologizing?}
5. "What happened?" {Usually said in combo with "Oooooh I'm so sorry. What happened?" Does it really matter what happened? If the grieving want to tell you, they will. Rehashing the story to each friend/family member/loved one/caring person they see is very painful.}
4. "What can I do for you?" "How can I help?" {See below suggestions to use instead of these. The grieving are too busy grieving to give you a "to do" list or to even know what they need at that time.}
3. "He/She is in a better place." {Again, that may be true, but that's your perspective based on your faith, not necessarily the grieving person's perspective or belief. Plus, the grieving person doesn't want him/her to be in a better place, she wants him/her back here with them.}
2. "God needed another angel." {What a crappy image of God- a God who deliberately takes our loved ones from us and leaves us feeling like crap?}
and the #1 thing you should NEVER say to a person who is grieving is....
"I know exactly how you feel." {If I lost my father and you just lost your father one week ago, you STILL DO NOT know how I feel. You are not me, I am not you. Our fathers are not the same person. Every experience is perceived and experienced differently by each person. Your experience of even the exact same event, is not exactly the same as anyone elses.}
Ok, no one's perfect... we've all said these things... I say "I'm sorry." all the time, but I try to say "I'm sorry for your loss." We say these things to people who are grieving because we don't know what else to say. So, here are some suggestions:
"There are no words."
"I love you and I'm here."
"When can I come over and ____________." Fill in the blank with "cut your lawn," "walk your dog," "do the dishes," "go grocery shopping for you," "take the kids out for some ice cream so you can have some time to yourself," etc. And then DO IT. Don't be pushy, but be persistent in offering.
"When can I come over and ___________." Fill in the blank with "visit," "have coffee," "bring you dinner," etc. Do these with the intention to just BE. Be present in their sadness, anger, frustration, sorrow. You don't have to talk or say just the "right" thing to make them feel better.
When appropriate, share a memory of the person/pet.
And always, be real. If you don't know what to say, just hug. Sometimes all a grieving person needs is a shoulder, a loving touch, or a caring face. And sometimes they need a little bit of peace and quiet too, so don't be afraid to just be there and not say a word.
Other suggestions, thoughts? Please comment.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
A Sense of Home
I am trying to collect my thoughts around the idea of "Home" and what that means to me. So I am gathering thoughts, ideas, images, and probably going to save them here so I can work on that. Here's the first few things I've come across.
- What does "home" mean to you? Most of us envision a physical space where one lives. A sanctuary, a place that encourages growth, renewal, creativity, and togetherness. Your home is where you grow into who you can become. It should reflect and support the goals and vision you have for your life. Home can also be an emotion, expressing how we feel. It is ideal to "feel at home" in all areas of your life; your environment, your career, your friends and family, your self. Home can be within us, a place where our heart and soul resides. Where we are centered, confident, and comfortable.
- When I lived in Ann Arbor, my sense of time was so different from what it became here.... I was never content in the present that I lived in. Most of the time I remember thinking, "well, in just another year and a half, maybe I can take a year off and go to England," or I can do this and that. You know, there are so many people who live for retirement. "Five years from now ... , then I can retire and go where I want." One of the most important things of my life was the early death of my fa ther who had worked at a job that he did not love, and who planned to retire - and then died at 55. This is a common American story, probably a common human story, but I was determined it should not happen to me. When I lived here less than a year, I realized suddenly that I was living in the present for the first time of my life.... That I got up in the morning and I sniffed the wind and I saw where the sun was and I looked at things and I got to work - and I lived in that moment. And if I looked forward, it was looking forward to waking up to the next day. It wasn't looking forward to some trip I was going to make six months from now or some career change 10 years from now. I was where I wanted to be. This was an extraordinary change. ... It led to the biggest inward change. It was that sense of time. And of course, that's another way of speaking of happiness. Curiously, or frustratingly, the greatest happiness is not to know you are happy, is not to know what time it is, is to be lost in the hour.... Home is a comfort. Home is where you want to stay, where you can imagine yourself living in the ... present moment, just continuously canceling out time. When I was away from here, when I was in bad times, I had an image in my head [of "home"], a physical image, the topographical landscape of this place with all the associations of family, of history.... It invited me and comforted me....
- Where is home? Where do you feel at home, where do get a sense of home?
It can be anywhere in the world. As long as you get the feeling of belonging. Sometimes this happens by meeting new people you like, a surrounding or area that really feels comfortable to you or ….. you cannot exactly describe why you get that nice, warm fuzzy feeling.
(back to Beth's thoughts):
I think I have usually believed that home is where the people you love are. That the place really doesn't matter, but the relationships are what matter most. I believe sometimes you can make "home" wherever you find yourself. But for me, recently, that has been hard.
I am starting to notice things that are going on when I start to feel homesick. I start questioning everything that I am doing with my life. I start trying to figure out what it is that I really want in life. I clean. I organize. I get in touch with people I haven't talked to in a while. Sometimes this is a good thing, but then sometimes I think I'm just doing it to make myself feel better right now. I wonder about my past and if I made the right decisions. I wonder about past relationships and if I made the right decisions. I wonder- is this normal? Or is this an indication that something is not right and I need to work on it? Do I need to just relax and enjoy the present, or do I really need to figure out what I want in life and go after it? That's scary. Is it possible that I have resisted going after the things I really want in life? That I have denied myself the things/relationships that I really want? Is all of this wondering just a result of being in a new place and far away from everything familiar? Do I just need to ride it out?
Lots of questions and thoughts. And then in a week, I look back at all this and feel stupid. That's the cycle. Not sure what it all means.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thankfulness
Ok, so it's a common theme right now. Thankfulness.
Since moving I have thought a lot about the things and people I miss from back home. Many of you already know this because you've heard it from me over and over again- or at least read it a billion times on my facebook status and here in the blog. I've had some extremely sad and depressed spells due to my homesickness in the past three months.
Living out here, I've heard, can be an amazing life changing experience. I think that it can be that type of experience because of the remoteness of this place. I'm far away from a city/town the size of Raleigh or Richmond. I'm meeting people who don't know "college Beth" or "post divinity school left-ish Beth." I'm far away from just about everything that is familiar and comfortable. Everything out here, every experience is brand new.
So I'm trying to take notice of what I am learning and what may be changing.
What I want to write about tonight is pretty obvious, but I feel the need to share how meaningful the past few weeks have been for me and how thankful I am for the people in my life.
I have had some of the most amazing and most loving and uplifting "conversations" with my friends and family. Sometimes these conversations have been by phone, but the majority have been over email or chat. And some of the most meaningful interactions have been special acts of love and care like emails or text messages, etc.
It seems pretty simple, but I have realized how much I love my friends and family. And amazingly, that realization has made me LESS homesick than I was before. These interactions and conversations have made me more confident about the relationships in my life, old and new. This confidence has helped me to relax and enjoy the present. It has helped me to absolutely know that these relationships are strong and meaningful to me and to my friend. Relationships are so important to me. I feel part of my self-worth is tied up in my evaluation of the depth, openness, and strength of the relationships in my life. I want to be authentic with the people in my life and I am so thankful that I feel free to do that with you all (whoever you are reading this!).
I am so thankful. Thank you for your love and support. I can't express how much it means to me.
Since moving I have thought a lot about the things and people I miss from back home. Many of you already know this because you've heard it from me over and over again- or at least read it a billion times on my facebook status and here in the blog. I've had some extremely sad and depressed spells due to my homesickness in the past three months.
Living out here, I've heard, can be an amazing life changing experience. I think that it can be that type of experience because of the remoteness of this place. I'm far away from a city/town the size of Raleigh or Richmond. I'm meeting people who don't know "college Beth" or "post divinity school left-ish Beth." I'm far away from just about everything that is familiar and comfortable. Everything out here, every experience is brand new.
So I'm trying to take notice of what I am learning and what may be changing.
What I want to write about tonight is pretty obvious, but I feel the need to share how meaningful the past few weeks have been for me and how thankful I am for the people in my life.
I have had some of the most amazing and most loving and uplifting "conversations" with my friends and family. Sometimes these conversations have been by phone, but the majority have been over email or chat. And some of the most meaningful interactions have been special acts of love and care like emails or text messages, etc.
It seems pretty simple, but I have realized how much I love my friends and family. And amazingly, that realization has made me LESS homesick than I was before. These interactions and conversations have made me more confident about the relationships in my life, old and new. This confidence has helped me to relax and enjoy the present. It has helped me to absolutely know that these relationships are strong and meaningful to me and to my friend. Relationships are so important to me. I feel part of my self-worth is tied up in my evaluation of the depth, openness, and strength of the relationships in my life. I want to be authentic with the people in my life and I am so thankful that I feel free to do that with you all (whoever you are reading this!).
I am so thankful. Thank you for your love and support. I can't express how much it means to me.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Is the idea of having control over something just a facade?
As I have mentioned before, every so often... every week I guess... I get pretty homesick. I've been here two months now. Today I had the worst case of homesickness that I've had so far.
There are many reasons that contributed to this feeling. My reaction (homesickness, sadness, loneliness) to these reasons was completely appropriate, rational, and sane. I'm completely okay with the fact that I broke down crying in my office and teared up whenever I talked about it today. And I am so thankful for the responses of friends here and at home that were supportive and compassionate.
What does bother me about this feeling, this mood swing, is the feeling of being out of control. No matter what I did, how much I talked to friends about how I was feeling, I still felt sad to the point of tearing up. It was hard to hold them back and not start crying many times during the day. I felt so out of control of my emotions no matter what I did.
I also spent a lot of time today visiting a patient who was extremely emotional due to (my assessment) a lot of physical and emotional pain that she's been dealing with for many years. She feels very lonely, very frustrated, and completely out of control of her life. She can't fix the relationships she has with her family members. She can't find any cure to her physical pain that she's had for over 2 years. Her physical pain is so bad that she doesn't get out of her house much. She's a prisoner in her home and a prisoner to her physical pain. From her social and family history she shared with me, others have had control (or she has given them control) over her happiness, her safety, and security for most of her life.
I cannot imagine living like that. I can't imagine losing that much control of my life, or losing my independence like she has.
It was hard to be in that place and listen to her. She doesn't feel like she has much to live for. She feels rejected by her family. She's in a lot of physical pain. She talked and I listened, for over an hour. She told me it was easy to talk to me. She admitted not knowing how to act when I first introduced myself, but that it was easy to share things with me once we got to talking.
I know my demeanor was calm and accepting, but the voices in my head were going crazy during that hour! I was constantly wondering what I could say to help her know that life is worth living, when all I was was hearing was how horrible her life situation is. With every story she shared I felt worse and worse for her and felt that I understood why she would be so miserable. Whether some of her life situations were self-inflicted or not doesn't really matter. She definitely had a victim mentality ("everyone else has done this to me"), but her perspective is still her reality.
She feels completely out of control and she feels like there is absolutely nothing she can do to regain control over her pain, her emotions, her life situation, etc.
These types of situations are when I feel my job is really tough.
There are many reasons that contributed to this feeling. My reaction (homesickness, sadness, loneliness) to these reasons was completely appropriate, rational, and sane. I'm completely okay with the fact that I broke down crying in my office and teared up whenever I talked about it today. And I am so thankful for the responses of friends here and at home that were supportive and compassionate.
What does bother me about this feeling, this mood swing, is the feeling of being out of control. No matter what I did, how much I talked to friends about how I was feeling, I still felt sad to the point of tearing up. It was hard to hold them back and not start crying many times during the day. I felt so out of control of my emotions no matter what I did.
I also spent a lot of time today visiting a patient who was extremely emotional due to (my assessment) a lot of physical and emotional pain that she's been dealing with for many years. She feels very lonely, very frustrated, and completely out of control of her life. She can't fix the relationships she has with her family members. She can't find any cure to her physical pain that she's had for over 2 years. Her physical pain is so bad that she doesn't get out of her house much. She's a prisoner in her home and a prisoner to her physical pain. From her social and family history she shared with me, others have had control (or she has given them control) over her happiness, her safety, and security for most of her life.
I cannot imagine living like that. I can't imagine losing that much control of my life, or losing my independence like she has.
It was hard to be in that place and listen to her. She doesn't feel like she has much to live for. She feels rejected by her family. She's in a lot of physical pain. She talked and I listened, for over an hour. She told me it was easy to talk to me. She admitted not knowing how to act when I first introduced myself, but that it was easy to share things with me once we got to talking.
I know my demeanor was calm and accepting, but the voices in my head were going crazy during that hour! I was constantly wondering what I could say to help her know that life is worth living, when all I was was hearing was how horrible her life situation is. With every story she shared I felt worse and worse for her and felt that I understood why she would be so miserable. Whether some of her life situations were self-inflicted or not doesn't really matter. She definitely had a victim mentality ("everyone else has done this to me"), but her perspective is still her reality.
She feels completely out of control and she feels like there is absolutely nothing she can do to regain control over her pain, her emotions, her life situation, etc.
These types of situations are when I feel my job is really tough.
Monday, October 27, 2008
reallivepreacher.com
The son of a patient who died recently sent me an email today. This patient's family was my "first" here in Cheyenne. There are always patients and families I will remember for one reason or another and this family will be one of those. They were so loving and caring to one another and to me. I am constantly amazed and greatly honored when people welcome me into this holy place with them- because this grieving and dying stuff is really holy.
While he was here the patient's son and I talked about some of the experiences the patient had shared with his family about seeing angels, etc. He emailed to share a couple of web sites with me that we had talked about.
One he shared with me is a blog of a pastor in Texas. I've only read a little of his writing so far, but here's one part I read that really resonated with me: http://reallivepreacher.com/rlparchive/preachersstory
A LOT of what he writes in the preacher's story resonates with my life experiences and my feelings/beliefs/struggles. I am thankful to know that I am not alone, but the emotions I feel when I think about this stuff is pretty tough. Another piece he wrote that resonated with me was about depression: http://reallivepreacher.com/node/142
I think blogging is kind of like opening a window into one's mind, soul, and heart. So if you're reading, hold my thoughts with care.
While he was here the patient's son and I talked about some of the experiences the patient had shared with his family about seeing angels, etc. He emailed to share a couple of web sites with me that we had talked about.
One he shared with me is a blog of a pastor in Texas. I've only read a little of his writing so far, but here's one part I read that really resonated with me: http://reallivepreacher.com/rlparchive/preachersstory
A LOT of what he writes in the preacher's story resonates with my life experiences and my feelings/beliefs/struggles. I am thankful to know that I am not alone, but the emotions I feel when I think about this stuff is pretty tough. Another piece he wrote that resonated with me was about depression: http://reallivepreacher.com/node/142
I think blogging is kind of like opening a window into one's mind, soul, and heart. So if you're reading, hold my thoughts with care.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Less thought provoking
I really really really really miss home. And I love my VA friends and my parents, but by "home" I mean North Carolina. I miss my friends. I miss people who know me. I miss familiar places that hold so many memories. I miss people who tell me straight what they think about things. I miss the little people who call me Aunt Beth.
Every once in a while I get these "what the hell am I doing out here so far away from people I love and who love me and really know me?" feelings. They come at least once a week. And though I really think this place is beautiful and I am beginning to make some friends- it's just different. I am excited about this adventure out here, but I just don't know how long I can stay here. Probably 2 years max. Who knows though.
People, come visit me!
Every once in a while I get these "what the hell am I doing out here so far away from people I love and who love me and really know me?" feelings. They come at least once a week. And though I really think this place is beautiful and I am beginning to make some friends- it's just different. I am excited about this adventure out here, but I just don't know how long I can stay here. Probably 2 years max. Who knows though.
People, come visit me!
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