Thankfulness

Ok, so it's a common theme right now. Thankfulness.

Since moving I have thought a lot about the things and people I miss from back home. Many of you already know this because you've heard it from me over and over again- or at least read it a billion times on my facebook status and here in the blog. I've had some extremely sad and depressed spells due to my homesickness in the past three months.

Living out here, I've heard, can be an amazing life changing experience. I think that it can be that type of experience because of the remoteness of this place. I'm far away from a city/town the size of Raleigh or Richmond. I'm meeting people who don't know "college Beth" or "post divinity school left-ish Beth." I'm far away from just about everything that is familiar and comfortable. Everything out here, every experience is brand new.

So I'm trying to take notice of what I am learning and what may be changing.

What I want to write about tonight is pretty obvious, but I feel the need to share how meaningful the past few weeks have been for me and how thankful I am for the people in my life.

I have had some of the most amazing and most loving and uplifting "conversations" with my friends and family. Sometimes these conversations have been by phone, but the majority have been over email or chat. And some of the most meaningful interactions have been special acts of love and care like emails or text messages, etc.

It seems pretty simple, but I have realized how much I love my friends and family. And amazingly, that realization has made me LESS homesick than I was before. These interactions and conversations have made me more confident about the relationships in my life, old and new. This confidence has helped me to relax and enjoy the present. It has helped me to absolutely know that these relationships are strong and meaningful to me and to my friend. Relationships are so important to me. I feel part of my self-worth is tied up in my evaluation of the depth, openness, and strength of the relationships in my life. I want to be authentic with the people in my life and I am so thankful that I feel free to do that with you all (whoever you are reading this!).

I am so thankful. Thank you for your love and support. I can't express how much it means to me.

Is the idea of having control over something just a facade?

As I have mentioned before, every so often... every week I guess... I get pretty homesick. I've been here two months now. Today I had the worst case of homesickness that I've had so far.

There are many reasons that contributed to this feeling. My reaction (homesickness, sadness, loneliness) to these reasons was completely appropriate, rational, and sane. I'm completely okay with the fact that I broke down crying in my office and teared up whenever I talked about it today. And I am so thankful for the responses of friends here and at home that were supportive and compassionate.

What does bother me about this feeling, this mood swing, is the feeling of being out of control. No matter what I did, how much I talked to friends about how I was feeling, I still felt sad to the point of tearing up. It was hard to hold them back and not start crying many times during the day. I felt so out of control of my emotions no matter what I did.

I also spent a lot of time today visiting a patient who was extremely emotional due to (my assessment) a lot of physical and emotional pain that she's been dealing with for many years. She feels very lonely, very frustrated, and completely out of control of her life. She can't fix the relationships she has with her family members. She can't find any cure to her physical pain that she's had for over 2 years. Her physical pain is so bad that she doesn't get out of her house much. She's a prisoner in her home and a prisoner to her physical pain. From her social and family history she shared with me, others have had control (or she has given them control) over her happiness, her safety, and security for most of her life.

I cannot imagine living like that. I can't imagine losing that much control of my life, or losing my independence like she has.

It was hard to be in that place and listen to her. She doesn't feel like she has much to live for. She feels rejected by her family. She's in a lot of physical pain. She talked and I listened, for over an hour. She told me it was easy to talk to me. She admitted not knowing how to act when I first introduced myself, but that it was easy to share things with me once we got to talking.

I know my demeanor was calm and accepting, but the voices in my head were going crazy during that hour! I was constantly wondering what I could say to help her know that life is worth living, when all I was was hearing was how horrible her life situation is. With every story she shared I felt worse and worse for her and felt that I understood why she would be so miserable. Whether some of her life situations were self-inflicted or not doesn't really matter. She definitely had a victim mentality ("everyone else has done this to me"), but her perspective is still her reality.

She feels completely out of control and she feels like there is absolutely nothing she can do to regain control over her pain, her emotions, her life situation, etc.

These types of situations are when I feel my job is really tough.

reallivepreacher.com

The son of a patient who died recently sent me an email today. This patient's family was my "first" here in Cheyenne. There are always patients and families I will remember for one reason or another and this family will be one of those. They were so loving and caring to one another and to me. I am constantly amazed and greatly honored when people welcome me into this holy place with them- because this grieving and dying stuff is really holy.

While he was here the patient's son and I talked about some of the experiences the patient had shared with his family about seeing angels, etc. He emailed to share a couple of web sites with me that we had talked about.

One he shared with me is a blog of a pastor in Texas. I've only read a little of his writing so far, but here's one part I read that really resonated with me: http://reallivepreacher.com/rlparchive/preachersstory

A LOT of what he writes in the preacher's story resonates with my life experiences and my feelings/beliefs/struggles. I am thankful to know that I am not alone, but the emotions I feel when I think about this stuff is pretty tough. Another piece he wrote that resonated with me was about depression: http://reallivepreacher.com/node/142

I think blogging is kind of like opening a window into one's mind, soul, and heart. So if you're reading, hold my thoughts with care.

Less thought provoking

I really really really really miss home. And I love my VA friends and my parents, but by "home" I mean North Carolina. I miss my friends. I miss people who know me. I miss familiar places that hold so many memories. I miss people who tell me straight what they think about things. I miss the little people who call me Aunt Beth.

Every once in a while I get these "what the hell am I doing out here so far away from people I love and who love me and really know me?" feelings. They come at least once a week. And though I really think this place is beautiful and I am beginning to make some friends- it's just different. I am excited about this adventure out here, but I just don't know how long I can stay here. Probably 2 years max. Who knows though.

People, come visit me!

I am not a religious person?

What in the world does that mean? I think it is true, in that I don't "do" most of the things a "religious" person "does." But my whole life is about faith, God/god, spirituality. I definitely spend much more of my time talking to people about their faith and their spiritual experiences than most people- religious or not.

Reasons why I'm not a religious person?
I don't go to church.
I don't evangelize.
I don't talk to people about my "relationship with God."
I think most of religion is myth. (Which is not the same as "made-up" or "fiction.")

But at my core, I believe that our spirits, our souls, are the most important life-giving part of who we are.

As many of my friends know, this is a conversation/struggle I have had with myself for a while now. What does this mean for me? Should I renounce my ordination? Can a chaplain be non-religious?

I strive to be authentic with everyone. If I present myself as a "Rev." or as a "chaplain," is that inauthentic? Do people assume that means I am religiously affiliated, or is the fact that I am a spiritual person "enough?"

What do you do?

Many times when I share with people that I am a chaplain, they tell me I must have a very hard job. My response is, truthfully, that it isn't that hard. I share with them that I always remember that the person lying in the bed is not my loved one. While I can imagine what it would feel like and what I would be going through if it were my loved one, that doesn't qualify me to know exactly what others are going through and feeling. I can be there to support them emotionally and spiritually, and walk alongside them as much as they will allow me to, but I really don't know what they are going through.

No two situations are the same. If you know someone who is going through a similar situation you've been through, please remember that. Feel free to share with them how you felt during that time and what you went through, but don't assume those are the same feelings and situations that they are going through. When people are in crisis, avoid giving advice, UNLESS they ask specifically for it. And by specifically, I mean that they specifically ask for advice or help in a specific area or for a specific need like what funeral homes are available, or where they can get something to eat close by. When someone says "What should I do?" or "What am I going to do?" that is probably not a question they need a concrete answer for. They just need you to listen and be compassionate.

I have a quote on the wall next to my monitor that says this "Value every moment and be mindful of the impact you have on others. But, remember that life and time are much larger than this one moment, this one act, this one conversation. God's work is much bigger than your work. You are not the only person who will come into their lives to touch them with God's love."

I think we tend to be pretty arrogant when we enter a situation hoping to "make things better." If we are disappointed that some conversation or time with someone didn't go quite right, or if the person didn't seem more hopeful or happy after spending time with us, we tend to despair. In remembering that life is much bigger than us and God's work in and through you and others is much bigger than what we see, we trust that God really is there and is at work. It is not our responsibility to meet every need someone has.

Sustaining life

What sustains me?

Sustain:

• To support, hold, or bear up from below; bear the weight of, as a structure.
• To keep (a person, the mind, the spirits, etc.) from giving way, as under trial or affliction.
• To keep up or keep going, as an action of process.
• To supply with food, drink, and other necessities of life.
• To support (a cause or the like) by aid or approval.

What does that look like for me?

1. interaction/relationship- with animals, with people
2. affection
3. continuous learning
4. "successes"- developing a good relationship, cleaning the house, going to the gym consistently, getting a good deal, staying on top of my finances
5. fresh air/the outdoors
6. broadening my perspectives by traveling, meeting new diverse people
7. approval
8. humor/ not taking life too seriously
   

Newness

Just trying out this whole blogging thing. Blogging feels pretty self-centered, but I need to get some ideas and thoughts out of my head. So we'll see where this goes.