Pathways

Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I had chosen another path. Days like today, I feel like there are 96 different directions my life could have taken or could take from today on.


Thinking this way makes me feel so lost. I know there's not one right path for my life or anyone else's. I know that we make choices based on the information available to us and what we think is the best decision to make at that time.


But I start wondering if I'd be happier or more fulfilled doing something else, living somewhere else, being in relationship with someone else. I truly don't think that wondering these things is a sign that I am unhappy with the way things are right now. I think it is a sign that I am indecisive. I want to experience all I can in life, but there are so many things to chose from that I don't make a decision and just keep plodding along. But sometimes I think wondering all this stuff leads to being stuck in one place and not doing or being things things I want to do and be.


And so, for some reason I write about it, which continues a cycle of wasting time that I could use doing or experiencing something else, meeting someone new, developing a new relationship or deepening a current relationship. I get stuck. Maybe because I'm just bored. Maybe because I'm not feeling "good" about myself. Maybe because I can't see what I have to offer others. It kinda sucks.


So I'm going to stop writing about it and wallowing like this and go sit at the nurses' station and talk to my nurses.

Top Ten List: Things you should NEVER say to people who are grieving

Top Ten things you should NEVER say to people who are grieving a loss (whether death, or any other significant loss.)

10. "Time heals all wounds." {Yes, it is true, but it is NOT what one wants to hear when they are grieving. And you never completely heal from a significant loss.}

9. (In the case of pets, babies, husbands, wives, sons, daughters...) "You can always have another one." OR "You will find someone else to love in time."

8. "Are you okay?" {NO I'M NOT OKAY.}

7. "It's okay." {We usually say this while hugging someone as in "oooooh, it's okay." While we are trying to soothe and comfort the grieving this is another, NO IT'S NOT OKAY.}

6. "I'm sorry." {Great intentions, but after one hears it a thousand times it gets annoying. Plus "I'm sorry" is an apology. It's not your fault, so why are you apologizing?}

5. "What happened?" {Usually said in combo with "Oooooh I'm so sorry. What happened?" Does it really matter what happened? If the grieving want to tell you, they will. Rehashing the story to each friend/family member/loved one/caring person they see is very painful.}

4. "What can I do for you?" "How can I help?" {See below suggestions to use instead of these. The grieving are too busy grieving to give you a "to do" list or to even know what they need at that time.}

3. "He/She is in a better place." {Again, that may be true, but that's your perspective based on your faith, not necessarily the grieving person's perspective or belief. Plus, the grieving person doesn't want him/her to be in a better place, she wants him/her back here with them.}

2. "God needed another angel." {What a crappy image of God- a God who deliberately takes our loved ones from us and leaves us feeling like crap?}

and the #1 thing you should NEVER say to a person who is grieving is....

"I know exactly how you feel." {If I lost my father and you just lost your father one week ago, you STILL DO NOT know how I feel. You are not me, I am not you. Our fathers are not the same person. Every experience is perceived and experienced differently by each person. Your experience of even the exact same event, is not exactly the same as anyone elses.}

Ok, no one's perfect... we've all said these things... I say "I'm sorry." all the time, but I try to say "I'm sorry for your loss." We say these things to people who are grieving because we don't know what else to say. So, here are some suggestions:

"There are no words."

"I love you and I'm here."

"When can I come over and ____________." Fill in the blank with "cut your lawn," "walk your dog," "do the dishes," "go grocery shopping for you," "take the kids out for some ice cream so you can have some time to yourself," etc. And then DO IT. Don't be pushy, but be persistent in offering.

"When can I come over and ___________." Fill in the blank with "visit," "have coffee," "bring you dinner," etc. Do these with the intention to just BE. Be present in their sadness, anger, frustration, sorrow. You don't have to talk or say just the "right" thing to make them feel better.

When appropriate, share a memory of the person/pet.

And always, be real. If you don't know what to say, just hug. Sometimes all a grieving person needs is a shoulder, a loving touch, or a caring face. And sometimes they need a little bit of peace and quiet too, so don't be afraid to just be there and not say a word.

Other suggestions, thoughts? Please comment.

A Sense of Home

I am trying to collect my thoughts around the idea of "Home" and what that means to me. So I am gathering thoughts, ideas, images, and probably going to save them here so I can work on that. Here's the first few things I've come across.

• What does "home" mean to you? Most of us envision a physical space where one lives. A sanctuary, a place that encourages growth, renewal, creativity, and togetherness. Your home is where you grow into who you can become. It should reflect and support the goals and vision you have for your life. Home can also be an emotion, expressing how we feel. It is ideal to "feel at home" in all areas of your life; your environment, your career, your friends and family, your self. Home can be within us, a place where our heart and soul resides. Where we are centered, confident, and comfortable.

• When I lived in Ann Arbor, my sense of time was so different from what it became here.... I was never content in the present that I lived in. Most of the time I remember thinking, "well, in just another year and a half, maybe I can take a year off and go to England," or I can do this and that. You know, there are so many people who live for retirement. "Five years from now ... , then I can retire and go where I want." One of the most important things of my life was the early death of my fa ther who had worked at a job that he did not love, and who planned to retire - and then died at 55. This is a common American story, probably a common human story, but I was determined it should not happen to me. When I lived here less than a year, I realized suddenly that I was living in the present for the first time of my life.... That I got up in the morning and I sniffed the wind and I saw where the sun was and I looked at things and I got to work - and I lived in that moment. And if I looked forward, it was looking forward to waking up to the next day. It wasn't looking forward to some trip I was going to make six months from now or some career change 10 years from now. I was where I wanted to be. This was an extraordinary change. ... It led to the biggest inward change. It was that sense of time. And of course, that's another way of speaking of happiness. Curiously, or frustratingly, the greatest happiness is not to know you are happy, is not to know what time it is, is to be lost in the hour.... Home is a comfort. Home is where you want to stay, where you can imagine yourself living in the ... present moment, just continuously canceling out time. When I was away from here, when I was in bad times, I had an image in my head [of "home"], a physical image, the topographical landscape of this place with all the associations of family, of history.... It invited me and comforted me....

• Where is home? Where do you feel at home, where do get a sense of home?
  It can be anywhere in the world. As long as you get the feeling of belonging. Sometimes this happens by meeting new people you like, a surrounding or area that really feels comfortable to you or ….. you cannot exactly describe why you get that nice, warm fuzzy feeling.

(back to Beth's thoughts):

I think I have usually believed that home is where the people you love are. That the place really doesn't matter, but the relationships are what matter most. I believe sometimes you can make "home" wherever you find yourself. But for me, recently, that has been hard.

I am starting to notice things that are going on when I start to feel homesick. I start questioning everything that I am doing with my life. I start trying to figure out what it is that I really want in life. I clean. I organize. I get in touch with people I haven't talked to in a while. Sometimes this is a good thing, but then sometimes I think I'm just doing it to make myself feel better right now. I wonder about my past and if I made the right decisions. I wonder about past relationships and if I made the right decisions. I wonder- is this normal? Or is this an indication that something is not right and I need to work on it? Do I need to just relax and enjoy the present, or do I really need to figure out what I want in life and go after it? That's scary. Is it possible that I have resisted going after the things I really want in life? That I have denied myself the things/relationships that I really want? Is all of this wondering just a result of being in a new place and far away from everything familiar? Do I just need to ride it out?

Lots of questions and thoughts. And then in a week, I look back at all this and feel stupid. That's the cycle. Not sure what it all means.