Ok, so it's a common theme right now. Thankfulness.
Since moving I have thought a lot about the things and people I miss from back home. Many of you already know this because you've heard it from me over and over again- or at least read it a billion times on my facebook status and here in the blog. I've had some extremely sad and depressed spells due to my homesickness in the past three months.
Living out here, I've heard, can be an amazing life changing experience. I think that it can be that type of experience because of the remoteness of this place. I'm far away from a city/town the size of Raleigh or Richmond. I'm meeting people who don't know "college Beth" or "post divinity school left-ish Beth." I'm far away from just about everything that is familiar and comfortable. Everything out here, every experience is brand new.
So I'm trying to take notice of what I am learning and what may be changing.
What I want to write about tonight is pretty obvious, but I feel the need to share how meaningful the past few weeks have been for me and how thankful I am for the people in my life.
I have had some of the most amazing and most loving and uplifting "conversations" with my friends and family. Sometimes these conversations have been by phone, but the majority have been over email or chat. And some of the most meaningful interactions have been special acts of love and care like emails or text messages, etc.
It seems pretty simple, but I have realized how much I love my friends and family. And amazingly, that realization has made me LESS homesick than I was before. These interactions and conversations have made me more confident about the relationships in my life, old and new. This confidence has helped me to relax and enjoy the present. It has helped me to absolutely know that these relationships are strong and meaningful to me and to my friend. Relationships are so important to me. I feel part of my self-worth is tied up in my evaluation of the depth, openness, and strength of the relationships in my life. I want to be authentic with the people in my life and I am so thankful that I feel free to do that with you all (whoever you are reading this!).
I am so thankful. Thank you for your love and support. I can't express how much it means to me.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Is the idea of having control over something just a facade?
As I have mentioned before, every so often... every week I guess... I get pretty homesick. I've been here two months now. Today I had the worst case of homesickness that I've had so far.
There are many reasons that contributed to this feeling. My reaction (homesickness, sadness, loneliness) to these reasons was completely appropriate, rational, and sane. I'm completely okay with the fact that I broke down crying in my office and teared up whenever I talked about it today. And I am so thankful for the responses of friends here and at home that were supportive and compassionate.
What does bother me about this feeling, this mood swing, is the feeling of being out of control. No matter what I did, how much I talked to friends about how I was feeling, I still felt sad to the point of tearing up. It was hard to hold them back and not start crying many times during the day. I felt so out of control of my emotions no matter what I did.
I also spent a lot of time today visiting a patient who was extremely emotional due to (my assessment) a lot of physical and emotional pain that she's been dealing with for many years. She feels very lonely, very frustrated, and completely out of control of her life. She can't fix the relationships she has with her family members. She can't find any cure to her physical pain that she's had for over 2 years. Her physical pain is so bad that she doesn't get out of her house much. She's a prisoner in her home and a prisoner to her physical pain. From her social and family history she shared with me, others have had control (or she has given them control) over her happiness, her safety, and security for most of her life.
I cannot imagine living like that. I can't imagine losing that much control of my life, or losing my independence like she has.
It was hard to be in that place and listen to her. She doesn't feel like she has much to live for. She feels rejected by her family. She's in a lot of physical pain. She talked and I listened, for over an hour. She told me it was easy to talk to me. She admitted not knowing how to act when I first introduced myself, but that it was easy to share things with me once we got to talking.
I know my demeanor was calm and accepting, but the voices in my head were going crazy during that hour! I was constantly wondering what I could say to help her know that life is worth living, when all I was was hearing was how horrible her life situation is. With every story she shared I felt worse and worse for her and felt that I understood why she would be so miserable. Whether some of her life situations were self-inflicted or not doesn't really matter. She definitely had a victim mentality ("everyone else has done this to me"), but her perspective is still her reality.
She feels completely out of control and she feels like there is absolutely nothing she can do to regain control over her pain, her emotions, her life situation, etc.
These types of situations are when I feel my job is really tough.
There are many reasons that contributed to this feeling. My reaction (homesickness, sadness, loneliness) to these reasons was completely appropriate, rational, and sane. I'm completely okay with the fact that I broke down crying in my office and teared up whenever I talked about it today. And I am so thankful for the responses of friends here and at home that were supportive and compassionate.
What does bother me about this feeling, this mood swing, is the feeling of being out of control. No matter what I did, how much I talked to friends about how I was feeling, I still felt sad to the point of tearing up. It was hard to hold them back and not start crying many times during the day. I felt so out of control of my emotions no matter what I did.
I also spent a lot of time today visiting a patient who was extremely emotional due to (my assessment) a lot of physical and emotional pain that she's been dealing with for many years. She feels very lonely, very frustrated, and completely out of control of her life. She can't fix the relationships she has with her family members. She can't find any cure to her physical pain that she's had for over 2 years. Her physical pain is so bad that she doesn't get out of her house much. She's a prisoner in her home and a prisoner to her physical pain. From her social and family history she shared with me, others have had control (or she has given them control) over her happiness, her safety, and security for most of her life.
I cannot imagine living like that. I can't imagine losing that much control of my life, or losing my independence like she has.
It was hard to be in that place and listen to her. She doesn't feel like she has much to live for. She feels rejected by her family. She's in a lot of physical pain. She talked and I listened, for over an hour. She told me it was easy to talk to me. She admitted not knowing how to act when I first introduced myself, but that it was easy to share things with me once we got to talking.
I know my demeanor was calm and accepting, but the voices in my head were going crazy during that hour! I was constantly wondering what I could say to help her know that life is worth living, when all I was was hearing was how horrible her life situation is. With every story she shared I felt worse and worse for her and felt that I understood why she would be so miserable. Whether some of her life situations were self-inflicted or not doesn't really matter. She definitely had a victim mentality ("everyone else has done this to me"), but her perspective is still her reality.
She feels completely out of control and she feels like there is absolutely nothing she can do to regain control over her pain, her emotions, her life situation, etc.
These types of situations are when I feel my job is really tough.
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